I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
