In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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