Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
