smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
