God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
