well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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