onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
