I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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