Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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