my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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