Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I could fuck to npr.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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