I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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