The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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