Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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