Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
