I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
