She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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