Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
