I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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