I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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