I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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