I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
