Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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