we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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