so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
