So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
