I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize