Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
