Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
