Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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