dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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