I have demons in me.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
