Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize