you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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