You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
