I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
