im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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