last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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