my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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