You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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