Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
