Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
