In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
