Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
