His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize