Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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