Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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