goodnight i made you a song goodbye
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
