I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
