Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
