i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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