i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
