I want to walk on stilts...naked
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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