Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
