New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
