I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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