Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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