It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
