I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
