I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
