We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
