I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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