Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
a search helicopter?!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Randomize
