Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
