Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
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