What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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