I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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