Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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