There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This baby is an asshole
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
