he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
