I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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